Sometimes I lay awake at night, asking myself when "my time" will come. When will all of this auditioning and booking jobs come more effortlessly and consistently, when will I feel satisfied with the work I've been putting in versus the tangible outcome I am receiving.
I think the answer is ...never.
I've been on more auditions in the first three months of 2014 than I have in all of 2013, and it has been a tremendous learning experience. I've also started taking voice lessons, audition coachings, and dance classes again. This is such a funny business; in order to really thrive you need to be constantly enrolled and engaged in practicing and perfecting your craft in order to be prepared when you hit that special moment:
LUCK = OPPORTUNITY + PREPARATION
I've been to all of these auditions with no job offers (yet); however....
I'm learning not to care. Or, how not to care so much. I am trying to detach myself from the "result" and just focus on the "process." [Plug in actor-speak here.] It has been so difficult to disassociate how I see myself and the value of my talent from the "result" of all of this auditioning. I have been pushing myself to do things that terrify me; pushing myself to work with the fear and work with the rejection, but it does catch up to me. So often I feel like I killed it in the audition room, or at least made a great impression, to find out that I didn't get a callback. Or that I got the callback, but didn't get the job.
There are 1,000,001 reasons as to why someone else got the job instead of me, so instead, I am doing my darndest to focus on what I have control over. And to turn the focus around on all of the wonderful, joyful things that I have in my life. *Hello* I just got engaged! I am healthy! I have a great apartment! I consistently have good hair days! I'm smart and I have smart, caring friends! Maybe I should make a little list of these things and keep them in my pocket.
In this video, casting director Amy Jo Berman tells a story about a young actress who found her success at the brink of throwing in the towel. So maybe all this hand-wringing and exhaustion are all signals that I'm doing the right thing!
I have to believe that all of this hard work must come back to me. I do not know what opportunity awaits to meet me in the future that will spark....but this preparation isn't for nothing.